While everyone's experience of an unhealthy or abusive relationship will be different, there are some common patterns of controlling behaviour and abuse, which can happen before the relationship becomes physically violent. These include:
Possessiveness
- Checking on you all the time to see where you are, what you're doing and who you're with.
- Trying to control where you can go and who they can see.
Jealousy
- Accusing you without good reason of being unfaithful or flirting.
- Isolating you from family and friends, often by rude behaviour.
Put downs
- Putting you down, either publicly or privately by attacking how smart you are, your looks or capabilities.
- Constantly comparing you unfavourably with others.
- Blaming you for all the problems in the relationship.
Menace + threats
- Yelling, sulking and deliberately breaking things that you value.
- Threatening to use violence against you, your family, friends or even a pet.
- Saying things like 'no one else will want you'.
When you are in a healthy relationship, both individuals support each other, sharing the good times and helping each other through the tough ones. When someone matters deeply to you, and those feelings of trust and respect are returned, it enables us to face the world with confidence.
Building and maintaining a healthy relationship needs the commitment from both of sides in order to work at it. But it is worth it, because in a good relationship, you feel good about your boyfriend or girlfriend, and good about yourself.
Not all relationships work that way no matter how much we might want them to. When there is violence the relationship can become really destructive which can make it both physically and emotionally dangerous.
"My boyfriend/girlfriend is not violent all the time - he/she loves me"
A violent relationship may not be violent all the time. Some of the time, violent people treat their boyfriend or girlfriend very well. They can be very loving and sorry for their violent behaviour. This can make it hard to see what's really happening. There is a strong chance that the violence will get worse over time and the relationship more abusive.
"Things will get better - he/she didn't mean it"
After a violent event, it's common for both of you to try and make it ok by making excuses, apologising, or promising to change. But there is no excuse for this behaviour, and just saying sorry is not good enough. Sometimes the violent person will blame the victim - "it wouldn't happen if you did what I said".
Things might settle down for a while - the abuser may feel guilty, and you might try to go along with whatever they want. Usually it's only a matter of time before the build-up to violence starts again.
"It's so confusing - I'm sure it's a one-off"
If you are experiencing violence in a relationship, things can feel very confusing, especially if it's your first relationship. You might try to make excuses, think of it as a one-off incident or something that only happened because your boyfriend or girlfriend was drunk or stressed. You might not be sure what behaviour to expect from them.
"Maybe it's my fault"
You might begin to think that the violence is your fault. You might start to try to fit in with whatever they want, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
"I'm scared of what he/she will do if I leave them"
You might also feel scared that they will hurt you if you try to leave.
